I know I’m a year late but thank you SO much for this. I’m helping raise my sister’s kids who all have STRONG drives for autonomy and the only advice I ever see in the myriad of fb groups I’ve joined is to use declarative language. As someone who grew up with a narc parent who used declarative language to manipulate everyone in the house to do everything for them, I struggle so much with the concept. This put a lot of things into perspective and honestly is also the first time I’ve seen someone say “mm, maybe not.” It’s good to know that I’m not just failing at doing the alleged only thing that will help my kids
I love this! My son is PDA but also struggles with visualizing and motor planning. I wonder if these types of additional traits are a major reason that one size fits all doesn't work. And of course, age may affect your wording as well. When he was a teen, I might have said, “Hey, bud. I noticed your shoes are still out in the hallway. Can you move them to the shoe rack when you get a chance?” It’s clear exactly what I want, but the timeline is broad and it's a question, not a demand. Asking a question is supposed to be a big no-no in parenting, because “What if they say no?” But if he did, I would have continued the conversation to find out why. Often he wanted something more, like a reminder, before he said yes. If he was getting more resistant or angry when I asked questions, I would back off and mention that we could talk about it later.
You might like an article I wrote recently called “A New Look at Motivation.” It examines how ALL people prefer autonomy over orders.
I have aphantasia, so I definitely can't visualize things either—I think I was in my 30s before I realized that 'visualization' wasn't metaphorical, haha! I also struggle with motor planning, which is a pretty common autistic trait.
But yes, I agree that the different variations in each individual's neurodivergent traits (as well as a ton of other factors) make a one-size-fits-all approach unrealistic. I love that you brought up the idea that communication has to evolve over time as people age and change; that's an excellent point.
I'll definitely check out that article; thanks for bringing it to my attention!
I couldn't love this post any more! Thanks for explaining it all so clearly - how we marry language and other forms of communication definitely matters a lot, and having the right understanding and attitude to begin with is so important!
I’m often unsure if the things I write make any sense by the time I get to the posting phase (and not having an editor to make that call as I do in my day job writing can be intimidating!) so I’m glad to hear it was clear! <3
I know I’m a year late but thank you SO much for this. I’m helping raise my sister’s kids who all have STRONG drives for autonomy and the only advice I ever see in the myriad of fb groups I’ve joined is to use declarative language. As someone who grew up with a narc parent who used declarative language to manipulate everyone in the house to do everything for them, I struggle so much with the concept. This put a lot of things into perspective and honestly is also the first time I’ve seen someone say “mm, maybe not.” It’s good to know that I’m not just failing at doing the alleged only thing that will help my kids
I love this! My son is PDA but also struggles with visualizing and motor planning. I wonder if these types of additional traits are a major reason that one size fits all doesn't work. And of course, age may affect your wording as well. When he was a teen, I might have said, “Hey, bud. I noticed your shoes are still out in the hallway. Can you move them to the shoe rack when you get a chance?” It’s clear exactly what I want, but the timeline is broad and it's a question, not a demand. Asking a question is supposed to be a big no-no in parenting, because “What if they say no?” But if he did, I would have continued the conversation to find out why. Often he wanted something more, like a reminder, before he said yes. If he was getting more resistant or angry when I asked questions, I would back off and mention that we could talk about it later.
You might like an article I wrote recently called “A New Look at Motivation.” It examines how ALL people prefer autonomy over orders.
Thanks, Beth!
I have aphantasia, so I definitely can't visualize things either—I think I was in my 30s before I realized that 'visualization' wasn't metaphorical, haha! I also struggle with motor planning, which is a pretty common autistic trait.
But yes, I agree that the different variations in each individual's neurodivergent traits (as well as a ton of other factors) make a one-size-fits-all approach unrealistic. I love that you brought up the idea that communication has to evolve over time as people age and change; that's an excellent point.
I'll definitely check out that article; thanks for bringing it to my attention!
I couldn't love this post any more! Thanks for explaining it all so clearly - how we marry language and other forms of communication definitely matters a lot, and having the right understanding and attitude to begin with is so important!
Thanks, Steph!
I’m often unsure if the things I write make any sense by the time I get to the posting phase (and not having an editor to make that call as I do in my day job writing can be intimidating!) so I’m glad to hear it was clear! <3
Ariel, it is very clear, thorough, and helpful.