When Declarative Language Doesn’t Work

Declarative language is often touted as a godsend for exhausted parents of PDA kids—what is it, and what if it doesn’t work?

Mixed PDA support groups—groups that welcome both PDA adults and parents/caregivers of PDA kids—introduced me to the idea of declarative language as a parenting technique. Posts from unsure, struggling parents (mostly folks new to the PDA community) often have dozens of comments hailing declarative language as a near cure-all for PDA stress responses.

And almost as often, I see posts from parents and caregivers who are frustrated and defeated after attempting to follow this advice.

Declarative language isn't working.

Am I doing it wrong? 

Does this mean my child doesn't have PDA?

After all, declarative language is supposed to be a PDA panacea…right? 

So, what do you do when declarative language doesn't work?

What is Declarative Language?

Declarative language is information-focused language that doesn't demand a specific response—comments, observations, ideas. It's the opposite of imperative language—questions and directives.

For example, an adult wants a child to get their shoes from the hallway and put them away:

Declarative:

• I noticed your shoes are in the middle of the hallway. 

• Your shoes are in the hallway; I'm worried someone will trip over them.

• I put my shoes away so no one will trip over them; I think it would be safer if you put yours up, too.

Imperative: 

• Put away your shoes—they're in the hallway. 

• Can you get your shoes from the hallway and put them up?

• I need you to go put away your shoes.

For the most part, the popular view of declarative language as a parenting technique seems to be that PDAers will be less triggered by indirect language and, therefore, more likely to comply.

What's the Problem With Declarative Language?

Declarative language isn't a problem—the problem is that it's a knee-jerk recommendation for folks new to the PDA community, and a laser-focus on declarative language can undermine more critical work—unpacking bias, creating genuine safety, and building trusting, collaborative relationships.

While PDA support groups almost universally recommend declarative language, PDAers do not have a universally positive view of declarative language.

I asked a support group exclusively for PDA adults about declarative language, and none of the respondents preferred that other people speak to them this way. Commenters described declarative language as:

• passive-aggressive

• confusing

• manipulative

• exhausting

• something they "can't stand"

PDAers are autistic—many of us need clear, detailed communication.

If someone continuously issues me directives disguised as a neutral comment, my stress levels are going to shoot up pretty quickly. I now have an external demand to deal with, and:

1. I have to guess what the person using declarative language wants. Is this a simple statement of fact, or are they expecting a specific response from me?

2. I may feel like the other person is manipulating me, making me less likely to trust (and cooperate with) this person in the future.

3. I bear the brunt of their frustration if I don't "get the hint."

Feeling forced to guess what other people want because they're avoiding assertive communication—and navigating the minefield of reactions for guessing wrong—is highly frustrating.

Many commenters in my support group (and myself!) note that context is essential. We're more likely to interpret any communication style as hostile if it's coming from someone who has historically tried to control us.

Declarative language isn't a substitute for relationship building.

The best starting point for caregivers of PDAers is almost always a lens shift from hierarchical parenting toward collaborative parenting. This shift is a long, challenging process for most people. It often involves some pretty heavy stuff—dealing with childhood trauma, unpacking internalized bias, exposing vulnerabilities, and confronting social norms about hierarchy, punishment, power, and control. Building authentic relationships is hard work, but it really works.

When non-PDAers say declarative language "works," they don't typically mean that it grants PDAers more autonomy or provides the framework for building trusting, egalitarian relationships with us—they mean it coerces a PDAer into complying with a demand that they'd typically resist. 

Declarative language can seem like a shortcut to harmony—get an obedient child with only a simple change of phrasing! This has a strong pull for overwhelmed caregivers navigating chaotic lives. But it's not a shortcut. It's a trap.

The backbone of this line of thought is that PDA (autonomy-seeking) traits are bad and that complying with demands is good—reinforcing the exact hierarchical, authority-driven, ableist point of view that caregivers of PDAers need to shift away from. 

At its worst, declarative language is passive-aggressive manipulation. PDAers are pretty perceptive people. If your language has changed, but your attitudes and expectations haven't, we'll see right through you. Declarative language disguises demands but doesn't reduce them.

Should I Avoid Declarative Language?

Nope! Declarative language is a problem when caregivers attempt to use it to "override" PDA traits and gain compliance. Declarative language can be beneficial when it doesn't have hidden strings attached. Helpful ways to use declarative language include:

• Outwardly signaling to PDA children that you're making an effort to reduce demands

• Inviting collaboration by sharing ideas 

• Expressing your feelings about a situation and inviting your PDAer to express their feelings

• Modeling your own problem-solving and self-regulation techniques

One way I love to use declarative language is to reduce the number of questions thrown at my children. Adults ask children SO MANY questions! Think about a child coming home from school:

How was your day?

Did you have fun?

What did you have for lunch?

What did you learn? 

Do you need a snack?

Did you see your friends?

And all those questions can happen within two minutes of a kid opening their front door! I'm a PDAer who appreciates when other people ask me questions instead of making assumptions, but many PDA folks react to questions as demands for answers. A barrage of questions can be a big struggle, and declarative language can change the dynamic of these situations:

It looks like you had fun today! If you want to talk about your day, I'd love to hear it.

There are cookies on the counter if you need a snack.

I saw you had pizza for lunch today. I hope it was yummy!

Long story short: declarative language can be great when used without an underlying agenda, the way adults typically use it with other adults.

What Should I Do If Declarative Language Isn't Working?

First, let's define working. What goal do you envision when you think about "success" with declarative language? Dig deep and ask yourself:

• Am I hoping my child will obey commands if I disguise them with less assertive language?

• Do I feel stressed or threatened by the idea of non-hierarchical, collaborative parenting? Am I hoping to have a more compliant child if I change my language?

If you answered yes, you're probably operating from a control-based mindset. That's okay! Everyone starts somewhere, but I highly recommend worrying less about mastering specific communication styles and putting your time and effort into shifting your lens and building your relationship. 

In Play We Trust has some great suggestions for alternative questions caregivers of PDAers should ask themselves (instead of asking how to get their PDA child to obey) in this excellent TikTok, including:

• Is my child as autonomous as the bounds of safety and kindness will allow?

• Did they get to explore their values, interests, and identity today?

• Did they get plenty of flow, play, and rest?

• Have I truly accepted their neurodivergence?

• Have I released neurotypical expectations and unpacked internalized adultism and ableism?

• What tools do I have other than control to regulate my nervous system? 

• How can I feel better regardless of other people's ability to comply?

If you answered no, you may be looking to improve communication with your PDAer without expectations of obedience. Great! There's no one-size-fits-all solution, but there are general preferences.

In my PDA support group, most PDAers prefer some form of clear, direct communication without expectations or deadlines. Personally, I like a more verbose style of communication:

"Your shoes are in the hallway. Can you put them away when you get the chance? I can grab them if you're too busy; it's no big deal."

For me, this style of communication is both clear to understand and low-pressure. But this isn't universal! Some PDAers said they'd feel coddled by this approach and preferred a clear, concise communication style. Just like non-PDAers, we're all individuals with unique preferences, and who we're communicating with matters—a lot.

Your relationship matters more than your communication style. 

The one thing that PDAers seem to agree upon (mostly!) is that the relationship trumps all. If we communicate with someone who sees and treats us as equals, supports our drive for autonomy, respects our interests and values, and provides accommodations when they can, we're more likely to view any form of communication through a positive lens. "Put away your shoes" sounds much less demanding when it's coming from someone who allows us to do things on our own timeline and in our own way.